Sunday, June 26, 2011

6/19/11 - Mocha Woes: The Movie

So, I actually have a dual little review here for you, my faithful readers.  Y'know, all three of ya...

SO, first things first.  Cafe Avellino is this little outhouse of a pretentious glory hole, quite literally a corrupt den of scum and villainy resting in between two higher quality establishments here in downtown Bellingham.  What makes Avellino so different and "special" than the other cafes and why I have chosen to direct my nefarious attention upon them like so much venom dripping from the maw of Satan himself is quite simple, folks.

They can't make a mocha to save their damned lives.  On that note, ALL the coffee I've had from there sucks, and I'm constantly confusing them with Cruisin' Coffee which is a completely different establishment altogether.

Also, hipster scum.  Hipster scum EVERYWHERE!

Now, I don't know 'bout you - I like my coffee somewhere between pitch black and bitter to sweet as fuck and obviously a milkshake with a little coffee in it.  Quite a wide range for a flavor profile, but there ya go.

Anyway, every single time (and I do mean EVERY SINGLE TIME) I request a double mocha with extra chocolate, you'd think it'd be pretty easy to make.  I mean, it's a simple order, right?

Here is a new script I'm working on, just for you guys:


BASTARD: Excuse me, miss? (nods and smiles good-naturedly at the peppy waitress) Yes, thank you...I'd really, REALLY like a double mocha with extra chocolate, please?  Gotta cravin' that needs scratchin'.  Biggest cup ya got!

WAITRESS: OH, okay~!  So is that double espresso or double mocha?

BASTARD: Uh...double mocha.  I said I wanted double mocha, not double espresso.  'S coo though, just a double mocha.

WAITRESS: Like, two shots?

BASTARD: Yeah.  Of mocha.

WAITRESS: So not espresso, two shots of mocha?

BASTARD: ...yes.  It's a mocha, but, like, two shots of chocolate. (his grin is slightly faded now, replaced with a puzzled look)

WAITRESS: Okay, so two shots of mocha in your mocha with extra chocolate?

BASTARD: Yeah, that's good.  Yeah, just do that...that there.

WAITRESS: Okay, so what size do you want?

BASTARD: ...the biggest.  Cup.  You got.  Please.

WAITRESS: And that's with two shots mocha, only one espresso?

Bastard: ...yes. (his grin by now having faded into a severe facial expression of some disapproval and slight confusion)


BASTARD: (turns to Partner In Crime with a look of horrific disgust) WHY DO YOU DRAG ME HERE?!  WHY DO YOU LIKE THIS PLACE?  THIS ISN'T MOCHA, THIS IS JUST AN ESPRESSO!!!!



So there you have it, folks.  Now, the service isn't ALWAYS like this, but why the hell do I have to CONSTANTLY tell them what a freakin' double mocha is?  It's coffee with chocolate and a bit more chocolate, and if I say add more chocolate ADD FUCKING MORE CHOCOLATE!!!!

Not that it helps, it always ALWAYS comes out chalky as fuck!!!  Like, balls chalky!  Like, Chocky chalky, if Chocky was chalky!!!

Or was it Sharky...?

The half-man half-shark from Cabin Boy GODOMMOT JUST GIVE ME A FUCKING MOCHA YOU BITCH!!!!!!

Now, some of you are probably smirking at yourself, drinking your overpriced coffee in your overpriced Starbucks saying out loud to no one in particular, "Oh, Bastard!  That's your fault for going to such an establishment!"

Yeah, well fuck you pal.  My PIC likes the place for whatever reason, and I DO have to come correct about one thing: the food is freaking excellent there.  Like, GINORMOUS cream puffs, and I ain't a cream puffs kinda guy.  But if I was, this is the shit I'd want.  The kind that can feed an Ethiopian village for a year.  The kind that pro-ana types slap themselves and call themselves fat for just THINKING about it.

No, seriously though, if I go to some place and order something, I expect that something.  If I have to perform my job functions to a specific point and deliver on time with a smile, then I expect you fucking bastards to do the same, godommot Fronk!

No, seriously, do your freaking job.  Make me my goddamned mocha and I won't have to go all kindsa Falling Down up in this bitch.

Besides, you really can't screw up something so simple, y'know?  Yet, they do.

Each time.

Without fail.

BASTARD: (dramatic sigh)

On the other hand, we DID try out a new place (for us) called Handy Shots.  They have three places currently, as far as I can tell: one in Bellingham, another in Lynden, and another in Ferndale or somethin'.  Either way, their iced mocha?

OMFG, so fucking good!!!  Order it with the whipped cream, and it's freakin' heavenly.  At only a buck-ninety-nine for a 12 oz., yer fuckin' KILLER dawg!!!

Ten years ago, I would've scoffed at the idea of anything over 99 cents being good, but there ya go.  We change as we grow old, right?

Ten years ago, I also would've scoffed at anyone going into a Starbucks and declared them elitist scum.

...we change as we grow old, right?  At least I'm MY kind of elitist scum now, which is different than mass-produced elitist scummetry.

Now, we haven't had any of the food yet, but a Parmesan jack chicken wrap?  Go ahead and say it out loud, that even SOUNDS good!  I'm gonna hit these guys up sometime and THEN do a comprehensive review afterwards.  In the meantime, just accept my current love of their iced mocha and let's continue on, eh?


Cafe Avellino
1329 Railroad Avenue

Bellingham, WA 98225

(360) 715-1005

Handy Shots

2438 East Bakerview Road

Bellingham, WA 98226

(360) 714-0181

Pros: For Handy Shots?  The fucking mocha, what do you think?  Add a shot of vanilla and yer freakin' ON!  For Cafe Avellino, the food.  That's...really 'bout it.

Cons: For Handy Shots, only con is I haven't eaten their food yet...and their times.  It's kinda odd, they'll close down early if they haven't had enough customers for the day, and while that's not a BAD thing in per se (in fact, some would say it's a sound financial move) it does make Handy Shots the kinda place you should call ahead or just swing by and check to see if they're open.  For Cafe Avellino, I'm gonna have to make a new paragraph...

Tiny tables, the decor is hipster garbage pure and simple, the atmosphere is the kind of better-than-thou-art ambiance that drives me into a frothing rage, and the coffee.  The main reason why ANYONE should go to a cafe just so happens to be their weakest point!  If I go to a Mexican restaurant and expect GOOD Mexican food and get served crap instead ( ), I ain't gonna wanna go back there, y'knowwhatImean?  Same thing with coffee!!  Why go to a coffeehouse if not to chillax and drink freakin' coffee?!!

VERDICT: Fuck this place and every single time I confuse it for Cruisin' Coffee, which is an entirely different establishment altogether.

Rageometer: 6 out of 10.  We go there so infrequently I sometimes forget that I hate the place...until we go there and the first sip reminds me why I fucking hate this place so much.

Partner-In-Crime's qoute: "I don't know why you hate this place so much, Bastard, especially since the caramel macchiato are so good..."

PIC Rageometer: 1 out of 10.  Every now and then the atmosphere IS kinda euch...but the bakery is choice!

For more reviews about both Cafe Avellino and Handy Shots, click on these links and sift through the employee-generated reviews and the actual customers:


Handy Shots,Bellingham,+WA&cid=10678220894979461154&ei=3xkITtfqCKXliALHsqClDg&sa=X&oi=local_result&ct=placepage-link&resnum=4&ved=0CDIQ4gkwAw (SURPRISINGLY LONG URL AHOY!)

P.S. - Yeah, yeah, yeah I know I shouldn't be angry or upset over how she didn't know what size cup I wanted, and you know what?  I don't care.  Fuck that fucking place, I ain't goin' back and THIS time I won't forget!  I know I say that every time I DO forget, but hey now I gotta blog to remind me...

In b4 a new blog sometime in the future ONCE AGAIN reviewing this place and pointing out how I forgot how much I hate this place anyway.

Also, I know that NOT EVERY ESTABLISHMENT has employee-generated reviews.  I also don't care, it's a disgusting habit and one that should be pruned from the restaurant biz.

P.P.S. - For the record, I know anorexia and bulimia are illnesses.  I also know that you should eat another burger, fatty.  Seriously, to all pro-ana supporters and anorexic types to begin with...why are you reading my blog?!  It's a food column, go away and fellate your finger already, it misses your throat.

In b4 I get hounded by some pro-ana group who cannot slake my lust with their withered limbs and dry bodies, lacking the ability to make natural moisture.

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