Friday, March 16, 2012

3/16/2012 - Branching Out To Franchises

Yeah, I fucking hate Jack n' the Box right now.  Seriously Jack n' the Crack, y'all are in scary-high watch alert right now!

Okay, just a little while ago they had the best fucking deal in the world.  Delicious bacon chicken sandwich, curly fries, small sprite no ice, and two janky-assed pure delicious tacos, all for around or less 5 bucks.

Now, THAT much food for under five bucks is a good fuckin' deal, y'knowwhatImean?  Some people would even argue about how you can get a similarly awesome deal over at Taco Bell, but y'know what?  I don't fuckin' want Taco Bell, I want janky-assed, fake-assed, delicious-assed tacos from Jack 'n the Box.

Now, as these things are goin' to do, the deal eventually passed on.  Much sorrow in that I could not have it more often (only had it a coupla times while the deal was on), but hey - that shit's bad for you anyway.

So recently, I decided to try the newest thing from them.  Bacon double cheeseburger or some such.

Yeah.  No.

Fuck no.

Dear god no.

Okay, it's not THAT bad to be quite honest, I mean...the pickles were tasty at least.  But they were so overpowering, the flavors of the burger itself was just so screwed up and out of balance, and even for a small combo it came over 6 bucks.  UNFORGIVEABLE!  Ultimately, I just decided to set the experience aside and go on with my life.  Nothin' too major, every company and person makes a mistake, yeah?

Then this recent Sunday went down.

Now I was pissed off to begin with, even after calming the fuck down over at my friend Ace's (, but in my somewhat-angry somewhat-cool mood I decided I wanted some chicken strips, that it was what I was cravin' for at the time.

Now, I'm not one for chicken most of the time.  It's weird, I guess I had so much of it growing up that now that I'm an adult I'm just meh about it.  I'll EAT chicken, but most of the time it'll be in chicken burger format (grilled, thank you very much, but honestly most of the time breaded and baked).  Now recently I had acquired some chicken strips from the Safeway in Lynden, and oh god they were good.  They were GOOD.  They were...just fuckin' GOOD!  Costco huge and deliciously breaded, perfectly cooked, no greasy sensation on my fingers and they don't settle like bricks in the stomach.  Good stuff altogether, y'knowwhatImean?  And oh god with the ranch and the breading is just PERFECT...good stuff all around!

Now, two things.  One, I had upped and outed from my friends' place at a rather late hour (around 10 or 11 p.m.), and as I've mentioned in a previous blogpost that this sleepy little town of ours closes down at around 8 p.m. or so, except for specific spots.

So.  Here I am, 10 p.m. or so on a Sunday in Bellingham and I'm craving chicken strips like a motherfucker.  I go down to the Haggens (24/7 shoppin'), hopin' I can get there in time, figuring that Safeway is probably closed by now.  Sadly enough, nope...the deli's closed (which also adds to a LONG LIST of things that were already closed or simply cancelled out on me that day).

KNOWING in my soul that Safeway is gonna be closed by the time I get there, I decide to go to the last place I know that's open right now and I can acquire the chicken strips I desire (and that isn't filled with hipsters, like Applebees is at this hour).

So into the darkness of Chaos goeth childe Bastard.

And indeed, there I am.  Jack n' the Box, round 2.

And they fail.

They FAILED me!

They failed so fucking hard it's not funny.  Now it's not the service, that was pretty cool.  Got a good window guy and everythin', y'know?  Even hooked me up with extra ranch when I asked for it.  But this is the second time now that I'd noticed that the Sprite tastes like seltzer water and the strips...

Oh, oh god.  I have never been so dissapoint in a fast-food franchise as I was that night.

The chicken strips were tiny, which is arguable - I had Safeway's chicken strips stuck in my head, y'know?  For all I know, these were average for strips.  But it was the greasiness...I mean, goddamn.  I could see through parts of the carton!!!  The fuck, the sheer amount of greasiness was fucking obscene!!!

The breading was meh, the flavor was non-existent in comparison to Safeway, and there was only three or four strips.  I don't even remember, it was so blah~!

So yeah.  There I am, chomping away at these horribly blah chicken strips, drinking down seltzer-water sprite and coming to a horrified realization.  Either my palate is losing its' vaunted ability to taste (which, by the way, it's not - I've since verified this, hnnngrasm) or Jack n' the Box has recently decided to water down its' sodas and pretty much screw with the flavor table of its' own products.  Probably to save a buck or three.

Because that's what it comes down to, doesn't it kids?  Make more money at the expense of your own consumer base, ugh.

For sacrificing quality (from TWO different Jack n' the Boxes nonetheless!) in order to allow your corporate executive bastards to continue living like rock stars, I'm officially putting you sad sacks back on my HAET YOU list.  You were on there three and a half years ago for constantly chintzing out on the bacon in my double bacon cheeseburgers (I said BACON ULTIMATE CHEESEBURGERS YOU FUCKING JACKHOLES!) and after digging your way out of that pit you've happily and eagerly slid back into it.

So sit there, you assholes.  Not you in the ground level, but those who control how much spice is put in, those who control how this pre-made stuff tastes, and from whom you've bought such ingredients from.

And fuck whatever corporate exec greenlighted the idea.  Every last one of you fucktards, in fact.

Ugh, do I even want to do a Brass Tacks on Jack n' the Box?  I also don't have a Partner in Crime for this, so I reckon y'all will simply have to take my word for it.  Hrmph.

Bah, time to shove these Brass Tacks into an orifice then go visit the doctor:

Jack in the Box (Got them greasy-assed chicken strips from here)
1075 East Sunset Drive
Bellingham, WA
(360) 671-7727

Jack in the Box (fuck your bacon cheeseburger)
8083 Guide Meridian Road
Lynden, WA
(360) 354-6679

PROS: Well, it's a Jack n' the Box.  Y'know, when they re-designed their restaurants lobby's, I was all about that shit.  Hung out there with friends, watched the Jack T.V. and everything.  It was fuckin' awesome.  The bathrooms always seem to be sub-par though, not design-wise just...not as good as they SHOULD be.  Dunno why.  Breakfast 24/7 is still always fuckin' good.  Also, dem curly fries.

CONS: Greasy-assed chicken strips, fuck that new bacon cheeseburger, and the tasteless soda.  I don't drink soda unless I'm sick (ginger ale and sprizzle for the win, whip that shit up with some juice and some Vitamin C+ booster of some sort, one of them fizzy tablet ones) or if I'm doin' fast food, plus taste is ultra-important to me, let's not forget this.  So yeah, yer gonna water down your sprizzle (er, personal slang for Sprite) and act like it's okay?  I don't blame the people on the ground level, I blame everyone above who actively chose to do this.  Fuck you guys.  Also, it feels like their prices have gone up...dunno how or why, it just seems like I"ve spent literally 1-2 bucks more for combos that I spent under 5 bucks not but four years ago.

VERDICT: I am personally putting a Fatwa on these fucktards, until they do a Dominoes and turn their shit around again.  At least Dominoes is consistent with their desire to be ALWAYS amazing.

Rageometer: 8/10.  Though that IS quite angry it's more of a bitter, disappointed anger.  If it was anyone else, it'd be a 10/10 for sheer rage, it's's Jack in the Box.  They should know better.  They should want to BE better to attract more customers, not try to bamboozle and fuck over the base they currently have.  God I miss the Jack n' the Box that was fuckin' awesome four years ago.  Sigh.

Do you even need alternate reviews?  HUH, much like my currently missing Partner-in-Crime section, reckon I'll forgo on this 'un since, well, EVERYONE knows Jack in the Box or knows someone who's gone there and hated on 'em recently.  Plenty of reviews out there, you'll figure it out. :3

'Til next time, mah audience and crew~!


~That Bastard

P.S. - Reckon I'll do this once a month or somethin'.  I simply don't have the money for restaurants, fast food or not.  On the other hand, I've got my eye on this little place...well, I'll tell you when we go there.

By we I mean my new Partner-In-Crime, a good friend of mine who's taste is verifiably different than mine, and can form his own opinions without my loud ass overpowering him.  Hell, it's why we're friends, y'know?